Everything has an end. Even sadness. Napapagod din pala ang puso. And so its only fitting that I end this bittersweet part of my existence with a song... 

Love is ironic. Only when you hurt someone they realise they truly love you. We shall always fall in love with the people who break our hearts. Love gushes out of the ruptures of a broken heart and then sends shivers to the whole of our existence. Love has to come out somehow and that is usually through pain and hurting. A heart which is unwilling to be broken, is unable to love. Similarly, if you cannot break someone’s heart, it is a sign that they shall never truly love you.

“Ako si Ada at ako ay isang bakla - yun lang.” - This is how the protagonist sadly introduced himself at the onset of the show. His whole existence summarized by one word – “Bakla”. This is the sad effect of a culture that typecasts gay people as unfortunate freaks (“Ay, bakla!”) and how the label designates someone automatically into the “don’t take them seriously” category. Unfortunately, some gay people find themselves believing this to be true.

Here in comes the beauty of the powerful and moving story of ZsaZsa Zaturnah. This is a story about empowerment. It’s a story about transcendence. It’s a story of how a simple gay ‘parlorista’ who never experienced being loved his whole life became the embodiment of selfless love. And in the process of saving other people in spite of himself, Ada has come to love the real gay person behind the “perfect woman” that he had always wanted to be. Now this circumstance is not exclusive to Ada alone. I’d say all gay people at one point in their lives wanted to be someone else and had to endure a similar journey of self discovery.  Before being at peace with themselves, they had to learn to love despite the lack of it.

Gay people should never have to provide an excuse for their existence by downplaying, justifying or apologizing for how nature designed them to be. They should never have to say – “I’m gay but I’m a successful this or that” or “I’m gay but I’m happy”. Gay people are strong, courageous and profound individuals who have a knack for finding beauty and joy in the darkest and most unfortunate circumstances. And if that is not a super-power then I don’t know what that is coz undoubtedly, that is special – something to be really proud of.  

Yes, sexual orientation should have very little to do if not none at all with a person’s worth. But for gay people, it’s a glowing tribute to their resilience, fortitude and strength of character.

“Ako si Ada at isa akong BAKLA - yun lang. AT YUN LANG.”

I love you. I always did. I always had. Lately, I took you for granted. I betrayed you for someone else – someone less.

 Now I know better. Now I am wiser. Hereafter I shall deal with love with no more doubts and no more limits for I have found the one true person who deserves it.  This time I have found my one true love -the love that will last a lifetime.

Happy Valentines, Lance.
 

After all these months of mourning, today I shall find the strength to burn the decaying remnants of your carcass. I shall spread the ashes to the wind where I shall not be able to see it yet it shall remind me of the beautiful life-force that once made me happy and sustained me as I struggled to remain afloat  on this river of tears. I’m proud of you my heart. You’ve loved more than what you were designed for. And though in the end you lost the battle, you fought valiantly and never wavered where others would have simply given up.  For something as small as a fist, you were, in essence, larger than life.  Hereafter, I shall continue on this journey with this hole in my soul…

 I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time
Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end.

Ok I need to post something new to lighten up this gloomy cyberspace hehehe so I'm jumping into the bandwagon. It's supposed to be 25 but gosh that's a herculean chore so I'll just come back and update this whenever I can think of anything else. Its just 10 for now. :)

1.)     Real love is fundamentally a one way street – you don’t love because you are guaranteed of a return of investment. Likewise, you don’t love back because you are loved. Love is never convenient. If there’s no pain, there’s no love.

2.)     When you’ve felt intense emotional pain, you become more emphatic with other people’s feelings. Now even sad movie scenes make me cry.

3.)     The saddest song is “Never Been to Me”

4.)     Sometimes getting even is the only reason you have for waking up.

5.)     I’m somewhat drawn to Britney Spears’ new songs J

6.)     I love the movie Malena.

7.)     My favorite book is St. Elmo by Augusta Evans

8.)     I would love to go back to the Metropolitan Museum of Art over and over again.

9.)     I miss watching Superbook

10.)  I initially assumed/thought that watching plays was a bore. Then I saw The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. I could not have been more wrong.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

It’s been almost 3 months. And I’m still crying over you. I’ve lost count of the number of times.  I’ve cried at public places, at the office restroom, while singing “Ama Namin” during Sunday mass, over lunch, over dinner, over coffee, over the phone talking with friends, while lying in bed getting drunk, after visiting crowded bars, etc., etc. If crying could kill, I couldnt possibly still be alive to write this entry.

When you texted me today,  “Ok. Im sorry. I hope u set aside ur selfishness and truly mean wen u said u wish me happiness. Pls stop. It’s nt helping any of us. Agen I dnt wana sound rude Bt tama na. lets gve it a rest.”, I swore I could have died then and there.  Your casualness is an extreme contrast to my unfathomable emptiness.

It’s not unknown to me that youve been dating guys since July while I was wallowing in misery. I know now you have a lot of friends who are in the mainstream and how easily your network of friends can expand from that. It pains me. Not out of selfishness but because I know how the system works (well usually). In a system ruled by superficiality, people will want you because of the things you can offer them. They will flirt with you because you’re fresh meat. You’ll probably change too and become an airhead. I’ve always tried to protect you from that – but now I can’t. And you seem to enjoy the ride.

Sometimes, I wish I never have fallen in love with you. But I did. And it will never cease. I love you more than anyone else. My friends know that. A friend who knew me since college even said – “Alam mo ngayon lang kita nakita na ganyan. Naaawa na ako sayo.” I’m normally a very proud person, but for you I threw it all away and ate dust.

I sincerely wish you be truly HAPPY. I wish that more than I wish that I’ll be ok. I love you til now and I will love you til the end. Its just unfair, how the one person I love the most can be the same person who hurts me the most. But I go on loving you. And though in the end, I got the worst from you, I will give you my best – I will set you free.

I love you, R. U. And I’m crying here at the office not caring who sees me while I’m typing this.

“When I met you I asked if I can keep you. Now I let you go. For in between then and now, I've learned to love you more than I love myself.” - Lance

I think getting through a breakup is impossible without the help of your friends and today was a great Sunday for a change thanks to the wonderful people I've spent it with. Started the day with a game of badminton which we regularly do every Sundays by the way. We played for a good 3 hours (great cardio workout!). Then afterwards we had an early dinner at GB1. It was Joel's birthday treat :-) Happy birthday Joel!!!!

We then attended mass altogether inspite of the heavy downpour.  We then headed to Rockwell for some starbucks. Over coffee we talked about relationships, love and all the random stuff in between which to be honest was therapeutic for me. I suppose I would have been as gloomy as the weather had I just stayed at home.

Anyway, later on, thanks to one of our friends who is starting a hobby of photography, we had impromptu photoshoot sessions  ala ANTM. It was crazy, hilarious and just downright silly and we had so much fun! And I won!!!! So I'm the ANTM Cycle 1 winner ahahahha....


So I survived another post-breakup day and I'm actually starting to enjoy life again. Thanks to all the people who made it possible. ;-)

Tonight I finally finished my biz with R.U. I’ve given him back what belonged to him that gave me so much grief these past few weeks. I believe I’ve finally and really (this time) let go. I’ve crushed all hopes of us ever having a semblance of any form of relationship – be it platonic or even superficial. Well ok maybe after a loooong time but I just can’t imagine that right now.

No, this is not about being bitter. This is about realizing that I’ve made a mistake.  I’ve read too many fairy tales to believe in unconditional love and happy endings.  I’ve romanticized someone and turned him into a dream and upon that dream I anchored my happiness. I loved a person who I knew had a lot of personal and emotional baggages and assumed that he’d love me back with all of his heart. That’s why it hurt like it did – coz he fell short of my expectations.  To be fair to R.U., maybe he was in the same boat. Maybe he was not really seeing me as a real person but as his dream partner. I’ve always thought he was looking for a partner who was a “perfect-fit” for him and a “full-time boyfriend”. In the real world you can only see your “perfect-fit” when you’re facing the mirror. And a “full-time boyfriend” is someone you pay to do that job. Everyone has their own lives to live and you cant just expect people to rollover and die for you just to prove that they do love you. People can’t share their life with you if they give it up for you to begin with. And sharing lives, partaking in each other’s happiness and being there for each other in times of need (even if this entails WAITING) are the elements that make relationships thrive.

Anyway, I’m just glad this episode is finally over. I’m not unaware that I’ve actually made a fool of myself and that I was pathetic and was actually turning into a "mad-scary" monster over this. I’d be the first person to admit I don’t handle breakups with grace and finesse hahaha. And why should anyone? I mean it wasn’t called a heart-break if it wasn’t all that shit. I just hope I won’t forget the lessons I’ve learned from all this coz sometimes, I just never learn. In the end I learned that the person who cries more, loves more and I'm not ashamed to be that person. Yeah yeah he's the lucky one for he found in me a person who loves him so unconditionally. But he's the biggest loser in the sense that he'd let that person go :-(. At least for me, I know that the person who will love me the same way is still out there somewhere. 

We’ll to R.U. if by some mere coincidence you chance upon my livejournal and read this, I just want you to know that I’ve forgiven you. I hope you can forgive me too. That said, I dedicate to you this poem that I found that aptly conveys my sentiments…

You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
 And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for being not able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace

Do we have a deal?

The Awakening

By Sonny Carroll

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! 

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. 

This is your awakening... 

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. 

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. 

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. 

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. 

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts. 

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. 

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. 

You learn that you don’t know everything; it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. 

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. 

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. 

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. 

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” 

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. 

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect. 

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play. 

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen. 

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. 

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms. 

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it’s just life happening. 

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. 

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. 

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.